Inner Peace

Can you believe I’m writing about inner peace??

No, it’s ok if you laughed. I totally get it. Take a second to really take it in. Melody is writing about inner peace. It may be the most hilarious notion ever.

I’ve never thought of myself a particularly calm person. Once, during a meeting at work where we went around the table and stated each other’s best qualities/personality traits, a colleague said how she admired how I was always calm and collected. I was actually surprised that I had managed to conceal the nearly constant inner turmoil.

You should know, it didn’t take much to knock me off balance (except in ballet class, I’m exceptionally well-balanced in ballet class). High grade but one comment of (constructive) criticism? Crisis. We had plans at 10:00 and you call me last minute to say you’re running late (looking at you, Sofia & Kat)? Crisis. My brush getting stuck in my curls? C R I S I S.

I’m not even joking. These are all actual examples of situations that could cause me a lot of distress. So you can imagine that when we went into lockdown in March 2020, it could’ve been a major crisis for me. I’m not saying that I was completely unaffected, far from it! I definitely spiralled a lot. There were a couple of days that were very dark and it could have been very easy to give in and stay in bed. I’m not above admitting that, on some days, I did.

It wasn’t all bad, though. Yes, I was forced to be alone with myself and my thoughts which could’ve gotten out of hand. It didn’t. In stead, it taught me something pretty cool: I love the person I am. I am proud of the person I am. I’m curious to see what’s next for me.

While going through immense stress, I never lost that feeling. For the first time, I had very clear goals for myself. Goals that weren’t set for me by other, but were truly my own. I focused on the things that were bringing me joy: my kitty Cappuccino, ballet classes, summer in general, and so many more. Some days were still a little difficult, and over time, I learned that that was ok.

Even now, with more weeks of lockdown ahead, summer being months away and difficult days occurring more frequently, I’m not unbalanced. I’ve rediscovered my love for baking. I’ve been taking hours just to read. I’ve even started yoga! I remember so very clearly stating that yoga (and meditation) would never be for me, because I’m not calm enough. To be honest, I wasn’t even sure if I’d manage to do a whole lesson, but I went in with an open mind anyway. Not only did I manage, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

It clicked so beautifully, afterwards I felt so at peace that it made me emotional.

This time, last year, I couldn’t even access my own feelings. Now, I have all the space for all the feelings. I can sit with my feelings and allow them to run their course. I can talk about them, without feeling like the weight would crush me.

I have found inner peace.

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