Hello, my lovely readers!
It’s been a while, really not that long, but still. I apologise.
Today I want to talk about something different.
Do you ever stop and think: who exactly am I? Who am I in relation to others? I’m someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone’s friend (maybe even someone’s best friend?), someone’s girlfriend. That I know. I know what is expected of me in each of these roles, and I’m comfortable with that.
But who am I when stripped of all those titles? What is it that makes me happy? What inspires me, what drives me?
I honestly don’t know. I know how to be me in relation to the people around me. I’m really good at being a sister, and I think I’m a good friend. But I don’t know how to just be me. How to do things that are truly and only for me. Countless times I’ve done something or not done something because of the reaction it would cause from others. I’m incredibly sensitive to what others think, and I’d gladly go out of my way to make other people happy, regardless of what the cost might be to myself. And that’s okay.
But it’s also okay to sometimes choose to do something that would make me happy, and for one second disregard all the opinions around me. However small that thing might be. The other day I bought myself a pair of jeans I fell completely in love with, even though they’re not what people usually see me wear. It might seem insignificant to you, but it was a huge step for me. I can’t tell you how often I’ve left things in the store because they weren’t what people are used to from me and I was afraid of negative feedback. Sometimes I’m so afraid of what people might say, I’d rather hide away so no one could see me at all. I remember all the bad comments I’ve heard over the years, and rarely can a positive comment outweigh those. Isn’t silly that so much of what I do is dependent on what other people may or may not say? Recently I’ve come to believe that it is.
So I made the conscious decision to do more things that make me happy, and try to tune out what other people think. Finally try out trends, maybe dye my hair, vlog, whatever… Wear red lipstick on a Tuesday because it’s what I want.. As longs as I do things for me more than I used to. And the decision alone has made me feel like I can finally relax a little. Lord knows how many time people have told me to ease up a bit.
This is wildly out of my comfort zone, but it was necessary.
Talk to you later,